Fat Is Bad

Starving For Perfection

She's Falling Apart
2 May 1982
External Services:
  • shesfallenapart@livejournal.com
In school, still parenting, marriage sucks. Too fat. Need control.

I'm back. Here we go again, again. I'm 29 now, gonna be 30 in a few months still all sorts of messed up but now too poor to afford shrink appointments or much of anything else. I had the baby in late March, 2010. He's almost 2 now and is happy, healthy, very energetic, but is also a handful and he wears me out keeping up with him. I'm a stay at home mom now, doing some writing from home but not making much and still dealing with lots of depression and anxiety. My thyroid got all assed up when I was pregnant and I ended up gaining 40 pounds more after I had the baby. I'm working on getting that off, and definitely see myself slipping back again. I'm trying to be somewhat healthy, but right now I just need to drop the weight, at least that extra 40. I'm trying to exercise and eat healthy but I'm already restricting some because it's easier not to eat until my husband comes home, because once my metabolism gears up I'm always starving.

Just a quickish update - I'm pregnant, due in March 2010, trying to work on issues but pretty much as fucked up as ever. Lost a ton of weight in the first trimester due to hyperemesis, now having issues with anxiety/stress causing me to throw up, and fainting spells - dunno how much is ED related and how much is just pregnancy complications, but I'm out of work and probably will quit my job anyway cause I can't physically handle it now, and am not sure I will be able to handle it mentally afterwards - I'm having some major probs with depression, anxiety, & panic attacks and afraid to go back into such a high-stress environment, especially with my boss being such an asshole about medical leave this year and finding out my coworker left me lying on the floor passed out and an inmate had to be the one to go get an officer to call the nurses to get me help and keep the other prisoners away [I passed out in a concrete floor in a maximum security prison, while about 3 1/2 months pregnant].

eta: Quit the job in December, was going to lose it anyway because I ran out of leave. Am gonna stay at home with the baby & work part time if I can, so I won't have to use daycare. My husband & in-laws are pushing me to work, but I don't think I can handle it. They have no idea how fucked up I really am. I am looking forward to being able to watch my diet & start exercising again after the baby, hoping I can do it healthily, but doubting I will.

I used to be fatisbad, but I re-named my journal, because all the issues and shit have never really been about fat, even with all the focus on food & weight. It's more of a mental/emotional what the fuck is wrong with me and how to I cope with life sort of thing. I guess I should use this more to write about that and less as a food and weight log, but who knows what it will become. Maybe at some point I can look back and learn something about myself from all the randomness I write on here.

Oh yeah. Me - 27, married, female, job I hate, unemployed hubby, dogs, cat, ferret, way too many bills, on meds for depression & anxiety/ptsd, past history of eating disorders, probably some other mental/emotional shit I haven't gotten to or learned the name for yet. Like so many other people in the world, just trying to figure out how to make it through.

[Circa 2008]:
I'm 26, female, and eating disordered. I'm trying to lose weight this time around being supervised by my doctor and eating somewhat sensibly [1800 calories] plus exercising, but my mind is definitely not "in recovery", and knowing other people struggle with the same thoughts and patterns help me feel not so fucked up. I really don't care how I do it anymore. I'd like to stay healthy enough to run, and to live, but I have got to lose this weight. I lost 30 pounds in just a year while actively "disordered", and gained it all back in recovery [or relapse, since it was falling back into my habits of eating horribly]. I need to lose that weight again, plus about 90 more pounds. Right now, I'm just trying to get back to the "normal" weight for my height, I just can't do it with "normal" dieting because it does not work. Only feeling the hunger and emptiness and knowing I'm not alone in it has ever given me the willpower to keep going, so I'm back, and sorry I ever left.

I'm leaving my old [2006] bio too, for anyone who's interested in my history & my mindset a few years back [which is the one I seem to keep returning to].

About the journal:
I do have another livejournal, which was started in 2004, so I'm not really "new" to this. I just wanted to move all of my diet and weight loss related posts to this one, because there are certain people I don't want reading about it, and my other one is fairly public. I've had enough people pick on me over my weight, and having this all in my main journal would just give them more ammo to use against me. :( This will probably be pretty boring, just my weight each week, and stuff related to that, although I might start adding other thoughts and diet/exercise related stuff, and maybe some thin/fat pictures or quotes/sites for inspiration. I'd like to be able to post a food/calorie & exercise journal each day, but I don't get online enough for that to happen, so I'll either keep that in a paper notebook or post summaries/totals weekly or something.

About me:
I am 23 years old, female, 5'10" tall, and my current weight is in my journal or on the top "ticker" above. I'm married with no kids, so it's just me and the husband at home. I work a night shift job, rotating schedule 10 hour days, and it's mostly sitting in a chair all night. It's boring as hell, so it's very tempting to eat or snack at work, and I usually sleep most've the day [but rarely eat at home]. When I am off work, we tend to eat out, cause I don't have much energy for cooking, and my hubby likes southern cooking, which is all super high fat. This makes it real easy to gain weight and hard to lose, but I've had enough with excuses and feeling sorry for myself.

About my weight history:
At my worst, after a miscarriage and being in bed several months for related heath problems, then in a real bad depression where all I wanted to do was sleep and eat (which lasted close to a year), I got up to 310 pounds (yeah, can you say "whale?). :( My weight has gone up and down since then, but never below 250, and I really need to weigh about 135, although my doctor says even 165-180 would be healthy.

Mental & eating "disorders" - Now & in the past:
I have been diagnosed with eating disorders & mental health issues in the past. When I was younger and suffering from depression (compounded with PTSD & panic attacks at one point), I was also a compulsive overeater. I'm still considered bipolar, but I've got the rest under control most've the time now, although I do still binge at times, but I at least try to do it on healthier foods (still have a major weakness for carbs & ice cream though - ugh). Now, if I do binge, I'll usually try to do it after a fast, and then go on a water fast for a day or two, or a juice fast for a couple days, to make up for it, and that seems to at least be keeping me from gaining [I'll purge as a last resort, or if I'm trapped into eating fatty foods out somewhere, but I really try not to do it]. It's still nasty though, and I'm trying to stop it all together by drinking more water & filling up on stuff like rice and negative calorie foods, and by exercising or cleaning instead when I get the urge to eat. I am, and have always been a sort of emotional eater, and when I'm upset or angry I tend to either binge like a big on high fat or high carb junk, or deny myself food altogether (I binged for too long, so now I'm fighting it by drinking water and exercising to get endorphins, instead of using food - I just wished it worked better).

I have also been diagnosed with both anorexia and non-purging bulimia in the past, but I'm far to overweight to be anorexic, and I eat to much anyway, and I do not binge frequently enough or with enough calories to be bulimic. I guess I would be considered ED-NOS now, with tendencies toward COE and/or bulimia. I dunno for sure, I just have a whole collection of fucked up eating patterns.

When I was 14, I was 5'8", and weighed 112 pounds (16.4 BMI). My parents got all worried and checked me into the "eating disorder" unit of our hospital, which did a lot more harm than good. I gained weight, but they did it by forcing me to eat tons of high fat, unhealthy junk, as well as drinking "Boost" drinks, which should have had enough calories for the whole day by themself. I also was not allowed to exercise, or even walk or move around much, and doing so was punished by stuffing me with more food (which was bad, because I loved taking walks, dancing, and gymnastics, and these were taken away from me). Even when I got out of the hospital my parents (who are both clinically obese, and what I was trying to avoid turning into, but did anyway), forbid me from dance and gymnastics, or from joining a health club or sports team. They punished me for working out and rewarded me for gorging myself on KFC and fried food and sweets. Since I didn't have exercise to relieve stress and make me feel better anymore, I started using food (ice cream, chocolate, pizza, and pasta were my favs). As I gained more weight, I was rewarded by getting new clothes, money, and more time with my friends. The kick in the ass here is that my mom had gastric bypass surgery a year ago and lost like 120 lbs, but still gets on me for trying to lose.

In college, I was fat enough to make my life miserable, and I developed a sort of bulimia. I'd pig out and then fell like shit and not eat for several days, or I'd allow myself a dessert if I hiked 5 miles after class, stuff like that. I wasn't throwing up to purge then, because I didn't want to ruin my teeth. I joined ROTC and restricted down by eating nothing but rice, lowfat yogurt, and bouillon for a semester and a half in the middle of this - I lost over 80 pounds that way, but I couldn't hold out, and put the a lot of weight back on when I went home for summer. I got married the next semester, dropped out of school, had a miscarriage and laid in bed for months suffering for depression and getting massively fat [over 300 pounds].

I never have been able to eat "normal", but I'm trying to get my weight back down to normal-low, without taking it to the point of killing myself or screwing my life/health up any worse. I just want my self-respect back, and I want to be able to wear the clothes I like without looking like some white trash Jerry Springer reject. My "plan" is to restrict to the point where I'm losing 2-3 pounds a week, drink lots of water, and exercise. My reality is a mix of failure/overeating, fasting, binging, purging, and hating myself for being such I loser that I can even fuck up an eating disorder.

I still use material things to lift my mood, since the weight gain usually followed overeating from depression or anger. My husband doesn't get why I can buy a bunch of clothes or a couple pairs of shoes and lift my mood for a week or two, but this has gotta be why. Still, shopping is better than pigging out, and I don't mind indulging in this habit, like the other one (overeating) I'm trying to break. [My last pdoc said the shopping is bipolar-related, but was strangely silent on the overeating & looking like a disgusting fat pig].

So yeah, all that "recovery" bullshit did was make me trade one disorder (anorexia) for several others - depression and bulimia, then compulsive overeating and shopping addiction (is there such a thing?), then obesity and binging - which I still struggle with today. I'd rather have just stayed thin and beautiful than fat and ugly and all fucked up. I've been told that all eating disorders come from similar causes, but why did they think it was better to force me from one to another. I'm gonna try to lose this weight the "healthy" way, because I don't want nosy people asking questions, but if fasting and purging help me, then I'll do what it takes. At least I'm so fat, nobody will be able to accuse me of being anorexic again, at least for a long while. It's not something I'd "choose", but if I'm going to be stuck with an eating disorder, then I'd rather have one which leads toward beauty and a perfectly thin body than one which gets me ridiculed and leaves me out of shape and looking like a fat cow.

I keep going up and down, back and forth. From somewhat recovered to somewhat disordered. I dunno what I am now, if I'd even be considered ednos, or just plain fucked up. Either way, something's wrong, and a lot of that something has to do with food. I'm sure many people on livejournal will at least understand that. I just feel like screaming "help me", but I don't even now what I'm asking for anymore. Help me not eat, eat right, lose weight, live die, I don't even know anymore. I just hope by typing/writing and tracking some of it I'll figure it out sooner or later, and at least keep from going crazy. I'm tired of food ruining my life.

Favorite Links

The Daily Plate The Best Food/Exercise Log

BMI Calculator [CDC] -BMI based on weight/height

Calorie Maintenance Calculator - How much you will weigh on ? calories per day

CalorieKing My Original Calorie Counter Site

Calorie-Count Recipe Analyzer Type in ingredients and get nutritional info for the recipe

RecipeZaar Recipes w/ Nutritional Info

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