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Sun, Dec. 27th, 2015, 08:25 am

It's been a while since I posted.

I'm back, maybe. Still fat, still crazy, still struggling.

I just want to run away from adult life most of the time. My marriage is rough. I'm seeing another guy I'm in love with, but who probably just wants me for sex. My son keeps getting in trouble at school and doesn't listen at home, and I dunno how to fix it. I haven't been able to hold down a job for more than 2 months, in the past 6 years.

I don't have the money for a doctor, not a psychologist. I haven't even been able to see my regular doctor for my thyroid meds, or the dentist for the fillings I've needed for years (multiple cavities & my teeth & gums hurt constantly), or the eye doctor for the contacts I'm almost out of.

I was going to a gym, feeling better, seeing results, then I had no job & couldn't pay for it. I'm only about 10 pounds below my highest weight ever. Trying to lose, but constant headaches.

Anxiety is bad, usually asset home. My husband keeps triggering panic attacks and just making me wanna curl up and go away. Depression to, and the lack of energy with it. Not going to harm myself, but I just wanna be gone.

Some of you here may understand, maybe.

Thu, Jan. 19th, 2012, 11:12 am
Weight & Patience & Tea

The last couple days have been confusing. I'm still losing weight pretty quickly, which is good, and that is encouraging me to lose more. I'm down 10 pounds in 2 weeks, and am still losing around a pound a day (a little more some days, a little less on others). What seems to be working best for me right now is eating something with protein and fat early in the morning, and then sipping on hot tea for the rest of the day to keep from getting hungry. I am eating some of the dinner I cook at night so my husband doesn't give me a hard time, but most of my days are under 900 calories, and I'm trying to stay around 600 at least 3 days a week. If I can stay on track, that will put me down around 50 pounds by the time I see my parents in March, and maybe I can get my mom to buy me some new clothes. (She's always offered money or clothes to lose weight, every since I was like 12).

The bad thing is I've been really irritable lately, especially with my son. I love him, but it just seems that he is into everything. We don't spank (or try not to - I have lost my temper a time or two, and then I really feel awful about it and I've cried over it even though he was fine and laughing a few seconds later), so it's hard to get him to listen and I just don't have the energy to deal with everything hands-on and redirect him away from trouble. He's also in the habit of letting the dogs out of the kennel when I've put them up, so it means the puppy chews things. They destroyed a pretty expensive, rare book yesterday, and I was so pissed off over it. I'm trying to do some writing online because I have no money and am behind on bills (plus have car insurance due and a traffic ticket to pay), and I can't do that and keep up with him, too. My husband is no help when he's home either, and sometimes it makes me wish I hadn't gotten pregnant and had went ahead and left him when I was thinking about it.

Back to a more positive note, I've discovered something really yummy and still pretty low-call. If you brew tea in a teapot, adding a few blueberries to the infuser basket gives it a nice flavor and a really cool color - purple at first, then sort of a rose pink if you're like me and just keep adding water throughout the day. It's really pretty and it tastes great in green tea with about half a packet (maybe 1/2 teaspoon) of Splenda to sweeten it a little.

Tue, Jan. 17th, 2012, 01:27 pm

The last few days have been pretty decent. I had this weird weigh-in Sunday where I gained a pound, but then it was gone the next morning so I can only guess it was water or something (or my hair might have been too wet from the shower). It was gone the next day, and I'm down a pound and a half from Thursday, but still have so long to go. I've been doing a lot of baking and most of the cooking at home, which has been helpful. We used to eat out a lot, but we can't afford to now. On the good side, I can measure what goes into everything and exactly how much I eat, which takes the guesswork out of tracking calories and fat and stuff. (I use DailyPlate still, and it has a recipe calculator built in along with the food tracking). It also seems like my husband doesn't notice me skipping meals when I'm in the kitchen so much, and I can always tell him I sampled a lot while I was cooking if he asks. Really, by the time I'm done preparing and smelling the food I don't feel like eating it half the time.

I'm not sure how I feel about being back on LJ yet. On one hand, it does feel better being able to talk about things and not feel so alone. On the other hand, I feel pretty pathetic. I just feel sort of "old" for most of the communities I'm in, like I should be "over this" by now (yeah, I had a doctor tell me I should have "outgrown all that eating disorder stuff" a few years ago - I told him I'd been treated for anorexia in my teens and bulimia in college, but I didn't mention I was still restricting and was purging a couple times a week at the time). I'm also huge, as in twice the weight of most girls that post, and am too embarrassed to post stats because I probably would come across as some random fat chick looking for diet tips. That's not it though, even at my highest weight, I still have the same mentality as when I was IP and just this totally weird outlook on food and eating and weight and things.

I told myself I wasn't going to come back to this after my son was born, but I'm already all messed up, so it can't hurt much. I've been cycling between binging and then restricting but doing it in a really random, probably unhealthy way. At least with planning and tracking, I will eat better foods and keep track of what nutrients I'm getting. I will also feel so much better once I drop about 40 pounds or so. Maybe then I'll try to switch to more of a normal type of eating if I can, but I've never been able to before. It's always one extreme or another, but even restricting has got to be better than binging, especially if I get most of my calories from fruits and veggies and lean protein- real food instead of processed junk. I don't know. I'm just depressed, feeling like crap, and with really low energy levels and already feel sick half the time, so it's not like I'll make things much worse. I'll probably still fell like crud, because I tend to get lightheaded and dizzy really easy (I have borderline low blood sugar), but at least then I'll be feeling shitty in a smaller size.

Sat, Jan. 14th, 2012, 02:24 pm
I'm Back!

I wanted to catch up with everybody some. I've been gone for a while because I've been busy with my son and stuff, but I'm already falling back into some of my old patterns and I really need the support I've had on LJ in the past.

Anyway, I had my son in March. He is/was healthy and is a great little kid, but super active. He's almost 2 now and keeps me busy. I'm still staying at home because, after losing my job, I can't really get my shit together enough mentally to get another job and I don't want to put him in daycare (plus the pay at the only jobs I was offered was what a decent daycare would cost, or less). He eats good, but is not overweight at all, and he doesn't seem to have any of my weird issues. It's also kinda cool because now I have an excuse to have more fruits, veggies, and healthier stuff at home, so I can cook better foods.

On the bad, I had severe postpartum depression and a suicide attempt when the baby was about 3 months old. I was having issues and asked my hubby to stay home to help - he spent the day mowing the yard then screamed at me and called me names when I asked him for help, so I shot myself but obviously lived. I told the hospital people it was an accident and I was going to clean it and didn't know it was loaded, so I stayed out of the hospital. I told my shrink the truth, but I didn't want an admit because there was nobody to watch the baby and we couldn't afford for the hubby to miss work. Oddly enough, that kind of snapped me out of stuff and I've done better since then.

I'm still dealing with depression and anxiety but it is nowhere as bad as in the past. I also had a thyroid problem after being pregnant, which caused me to gain 40 more pounds, and I just started losing that a couple months ago. I haven't been able to afford my psych appointments or meds, but it seems like the thyroid meds and vitamin D have helped with the depression, and are helping me lose some of that stupid weight. It's also finally giving me enough energy to start working out again. I was going to the gym, but I haven't been able to afford it since the end of the year. I'm walking and biking and doing workout tapes though.

Mentally, I've bee getting all weird again lately first with anxiety, which never really left but had tamed down some, and with depression coming back bad, which I'm trying to fight. I did feel better with losing weight, especially a couple weeks ago when I lose 8 pounds in a week. I'm trying to do this at least halfway healthy but, at the same time, I just need to get a good start and know I'm not the only one fighting with all of these thoughts and emotions that go with it.

Mon, Mar. 1st, 2010, 07:17 am

I'm still hanging on. The baby hasn't come yet, but I'm due any time now [due date is March 14, but that's give or take 2 weeks either way]. I'm getting to that weird point now where I'm "nesting" and taking on all these major home improvement & cleaning projects [painting & re-tiling the bathroom & laundry rooms, as well as cleaning out the closets]. I'm also getting major heartburn and having trouble sleeping at night, so I'm either worn out and tired or going full speed trying to get things done.

I'm not working at all now, even from home or on real estate, because it was wearing me out and my energy levels are just too unpredictable now to schedule appointments in advance. I have a couple clients I referred out, so I may see a little money from that, but I wouldn't feel comfortable taking new clients now and then not being able to represent them at closing and through the whole financing and inspection process. Also, I just need a break and some time for myself. I am still halfway looking & interviewing for other jobs, but I don't even see how working with a newborn and having to pay for day care would make sense, unless I found something that paid really good or would allow me to work while the hubby watches the baby.

Relationship wise, things have gotten a little better with my husband, but we still really need to have some serious talks, and I don't know how to go about it. I'm also thinking therapy would be good, if he'll go for it, too. A lot of the problems is the bullshit his dad is putting into his head, but he's letting it affect him, and that has me worried more than anything. He knows how his dad is and makes excuses for him, so I wonder if it's a stretch to think he'd excuse the same behavior in himself with enough encouragement from his father and the "right" circumstances.

I'm probably gonna make an appointment with my psychiatrist sometime this week. It's been a while, because I haven't had the money to go and have no insurance now on top of it. Still, I think it'd be a really good idea to sort of check in and talk about some things before I have the baby, and set a followup for afterwards, because I'm a little scared about the whole "baby blues" and postpartum depression thing, as well as just handling the whole adjustment to this new work/family situation overall.

Wed, Feb. 17th, 2010, 11:30 pm
Today's Tweets

lj-tags: twitter

  • 11:21 I feel so damn fake sometimes, trying to be all accepting of my body & my size, while my mind is so screwed about food, weight, & everything #
  • 11:22 I should not have freaking anxiety attacks over my husband encouraging our dog to finish his food, but it's got me all screwed up now #
  • 12:52 been gone a while, adding peeps who added me that i missed #
Automatically updated from today's posts at Twitter

Wed, Feb. 17th, 2010, 11:47 am

I've been away for a while, avoiding my journal & communities because I am trying to avoid triggers and eat healthy through the end of the pregnancy. I also want to try to breastfeed, but don't know if I can keep up long enough - it burns calories, but takes extra too, and I don't know if I can keep enough nutrition to do it long term. I guess a little's better than nothing though. I'm past 36 weeks now, so the baby's due pretty soon, and I won't have to worry so much about hurting him if I slip.

I'm still not working, which sucks money-wise, but it less stressful, and I'm not around food all day anymore. I'm still doing real estate some from home, but not really jumping back in to that until May or so, when the baby's a little older and I have some sort of schedule going on. I have an interview for a 3rd shift job on Friday, but I don't really want it. I don't see how I'm going to be able to work full-time with a newborn, and I am not going to do so just to make enough money to break even paying for someone else to watch my son - I'd rather stay with him myself as much as possible.

I'm realizing my husband is a major asshole, but I can't afford to leave him. He's been lying to me this whole pregnancy about quitting smoking, and I don't want him around the baby with that crap on his clothes and all. The lying bothers me the most about it, but he doesn't see anything wrong. I've gave up so much - alcohol, restricting, b/ping, shows [mosh pits, etc], psych meds that I really need, my job, most of my social life, and he can't even be honest about one little fucking thing because "wah" he's under stress and needs it. He's also involving his dad way too much in our life & business, even after his dad shoved me to the ground and shit while pregnant - he says it doesn't count cause he was drunk. I'm wondering how long it'll be before he starts abusing me or the kid - the pattern's already there, and with the lying and disrespect, I'm just waiting on it to turn physical so maybe I'll have help finding someplace to go. I won't leave without my dog, which complicates things, because I'm afraid he'd do something to him to spite me, and the dog's the only support I've had for most've the past year.

I think the baby's what's kept me alive, because I've had some times where I've been really suicidal and also thought about cutting & stuff, which is not at all normal for me. I just need something to get outside of myself for a while. I can at least go back to exercising some and restricting once he's born, and maybe that will help. I'd like to stay healthy, but I don't really see it, and I think if I can do it but keep it under control some, it will be better for me mentally and in the long run than not having any way to cope at all. Also, once I'm thinner & stronger, I can probably get more clients or a good enough job that I can move away if I need to. I hate it because I love him, and I know he loves me, but there's just some scary shit going on under the surface between us, and I'm afraid to even bring it up without an "escape plan", in case he does freak out or anything.

Tue, Feb. 16th, 2010, 10:07 pm

I'm starting to realize that, on a subliminal level, my husband scares the living shit out of me.

He's never actually been abusive, but the way he treats and yells at the dog sometimes, and threatens to hit or hurt him, makes me thing he could do the same to me or our child some day. His did was/is an abusive, drunk, womanizing son of a bitch, and it's like I'm just waiting to see how long it takes before I see that side of my hubby. He's given me no real reason to feel afraid or whatever, but there are times my anxiety goes sky high and I'm scared to death that I might be upsetting him. I don't know where it's coming from, but wonder if I should look for a way out before I find out.

Sun, Jan. 3rd, 2010, 02:49 pm
A lot can happen in a month

Well, it's been a month since I've posted, more than that since it was anything of substance, so I figured I'd check in.

I'm doing pretty good right now, after a really bad time in November & December. I was put on Zoloft, but stopped taking it after 2 weeks because I was worried about it harming the baby, and it was making a lot more anxious and really irritable all the time. I feel better now anyway - I think the whole work issue was where most of my stress was coming from.

Work screwed me over by refusing to make any sort of accommodations, and telling me it'd be 60-90 days before they decided if I could get even 50% disability, in which time I'd have no pay coming in and would have to pay almost $500 a month to keep insurance. They also wouldn't even hold my job past my due date, so I'd lose it anyway. I got pissed and quit instead. It's scary not having a job right now, or any money, but mentally I feel so much better than I have in years.

The baby is doing great - just had a checkup, and will be having the 3d ultrasound in a few weeks. I've gained some weight [3 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight, but I'd lost a bunch early on], but I'm mostly ok with that. I'm just trying to be healthy for now, and I'll burn it off pushing the stroller around and such after he's born. I'm just trying to keep everything good until then, so I can handle labor and hopefully have a natural birth.

In all, I'm feeling good. There are some things I'm really stressing over right now [mainly money & bills], but all in all things are better than they've been in a long time, so maybe that's the way the year will progress.

Sun, Dec. 6th, 2009, 11:30 pm
Today's Tweets

lj-tags: twitter

  • 08:07 It's 22 degrres, with freezing fog - I've never heard of that before #

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